It has been a while since my last post and awareness of the gap has nudged me to varying degrees; sometimes the nudge has been a gentle one and at other times quite uncomfortable. My critical mind has come into play and I have felt bad at my lack of commitment. I have wriggled around and justified…..I am too busy….. I am tired……..I have more pressing matters to attend to…..I will write something later (and later never actually arrives). At other times I have just sat with feeling uncomfortable because, somehow, it is a state that I am used to.

So this pressure, which has been happening since my last post, has not been sufficient for me to actually open up a word doc on my laptop and start writing. So what has now driven me into taking action? A little bit of gentle pressure from a kind friend.

Don't worry, I am no pushover. When this pressure was being applied I didn’t just cave in and comply. I recognise an attempt to undermine my status quo when I see/hear one. I had an immediate up-rush of resistance to defend my position. If anyone out there understands the term Mardy then I was the embodiment of being in that state. Internally I was stamping my feet, good and proper!

So I took notice of these thoughts and feelings. More accurately, I couldn’t ignore them. What on earth was I resisting, the knowledge that what I was being asked to do is good? How ridiculous! And my friend, the one exerting the gentle, kindly pressure……? I know this person has my best interests at heart.

As someone who works with parents for a living I apply kindly pressure quite regularly as a method of moving someone forward towards their goal. I get feedback from them saying how helpful being kept to account can be. So now, having had the experienced of being pushed myself, I am grateful for the experience (and blimey, for me it’s so much harder being on the receiving end than giving it out!).

So here I am, still sitting with the residue of resistance and mardiness, but glad to be writing something. And maybe…. soon …..you’ll hear from me again.

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”

From Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot

When times are tough, whether it is the fear/anxiety described by Andrew or just tough times, words of wisdom appear. I read the above poem years ago at school and the words actually mean something to me now and are a comfort.

It’s winter, there is a recession; bad news can seem to dominate and this affects my mood and viewpoint. I take refuge; and the words proffered this too will pass had me dissolved in tears of gratitude and relief.

So when times are hard, and they are hard sometimes!....... even though the mind and habits lead me to try and fix the problem I can remind myself that there is no fixing. Embrace everything that comes with compassion and love. And then, there is taking action, doing the next thing, going, going, going on beyond.....to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

Daughter asked me to dog sit today as she was working late. I took the opportunity to use this gorgeous creature as a model for that dog coat I just had to make. She is six months old and, as she is named, completely Dottie!

The other day I was talking to someone about a difficulty I was experiencing; not a major problem, just something that had cropped up that I wanted to talk through. I had hardly started to describe my issue when up came a suggestion, a piece of advice, from my friend. So why did that make me feel uncomfortable?

The wish to help others is there for many people and as Buddhists we train not just for self, but also for others. I have been involved in the helping side of things for many years. My motivation for this is probably quite complicated and rooted in my past. I have asked myself questions; 'why do I do this work?', ‘what are my intentions?’ and also ‘does what I do really help?’ Similar to Andrew, I was also influenced by what other people thought I should be doing. And there was more than that; I had wish for fulfillment, approval and even a distraction from my own need for help. I know from experience that acting on these needs and intentions is stressful, tiring and also it lessens the likelihood that anyone is helped. I am not beating myself up here; I am simply recognising some of what has driven me in a particular direction and then wanting to change.

In my early days of working as a helper I frequently offered solutions, and proffered advice, therefore missing what was actually going on for that person because I wasn’t listening. By rushing to solutions I also made assumptions about thoughts and feelings, most probably wrong ones, again because of not listening.

Listening and the wish to help is a skill that requires awareness, not just of the other person but more especially of the self. Some years ago an excellent teacher described this as getting yourself out of the way. Isn't this what meditation is all about? Are we not seeking to abandon our opinions and our personal points of view, ourselves?

In giving advice what we risk saying to the person is ‘you do not seem to be able to work this out for yourself’. Everyone has the capacity to learn and change and what really helps is being encouraged to talk, being listened to and trust that something happens when given this space to be with our koan ..... when we do our own practice.

Paper folding fun.

The other day I had friends over who, like me, enjoy being creative. The idea of our get together was to encourage each other by sharing ideas and teaching something of our own ‘specialities’. While the pumpkin soup was warming on the stove I went upstairs to fetch a quilt I have been working on to show them. This was duly admired. Then I remembered I had played with another medium - folded books. I had spent a happy hour making the said piece and wanted to share my enthusiasm with them. Although my friends seemed to want to see what I have been making, a further reaction made it clear to me that they felt overwhelmed and a little phased by my enthusiasm and confidence – I can be quite enthusiastic at times! Someone said something that pointed to a feeling of competativeness. The atmosphere changed, if only temporarily, and I realised that both of my friends were either measuring themselves by my seeming achievements and felt inadequate or they thought I was showing my stuff in order to feel better myself. The knowledge that I managed to ‘put down’ my friends, however unintentionally, keeps coming back into my mind. I feel disturbed to realise that my actions caused such a result.

I have both rationalised and wriggled around in order to avoid my part in their discomfort; they were both feeling disturbed by conflicts/inadequacies of their own, it’s their stuff, they misunderstood my intentions, stop stressing, it’s and not important etc, etc.

But the awareness and knowledge remains. What should I do? How should I change in order to avoid this reaction in the future?

I learned years ago about a piece of research in the field of psychology (sorry, can’t reference this at all) that demonstrated that when people were asked to notice and bring into their awareness a behaviour that they wanted to change this behaviour diminished in frequency, sometimes to the point of extinction. It was enough just to notice . So... no pushing away...... no necessity for rationalising, deliberate thought or forced behaviour change. To those of us that know Rules for Meditation this will sound familiar.

So I will do nothing. Or rather I am not going to get caught up in or dragged around by circumstances, thoughts, feelings and emotions. I will continue to be aware and notice what is going on to the best of my ability and trust my intention to avoid future harm in this way. And for now, I will just get on with the next thing. And along the line of next things, perhaps a simple apology to my friends.

Ayse's writing has brought up a lot for me. Her responses to suffering are inspiring and very helpful. My own suffering and ill-health is nothing like as bad - I certainly have plenty of room for complaint. For many years I have struggled with the push-pull of acceptance and rejection of symptoms, though not life threatening or as excruciatingly painful as Ayse's, have certainly given me many hours of discomfort and distress.

I watched a documentary the other day. The film crew followed a group of severely wounded soldiers returning to the UK from Afghanistan after being blown up by land mines. All of them had had both their legs amputated, one had also lost an arm and lost his sight for many months. The way that they accepted their injuries, the pain and devastation of their bodies, was truly incredible.

I know we cannot easily make comparisons and I get what Ayse says when she advises not to judge another's pain, but I keep thinking about those soldiers and now Ayse, and can just remind myself of their bravery, and it is helpful. And it is brave to endure without flinching or need to escape. Ayse had the conditions, to realise that trying to escape or flinching away would add to her suffering.

The other thoughts that came to mind was the memory of watching my daughter's suffering when she was run down by a scooter in New York and had a badly fractured pelvis. Her pain and suffering was intense and as a mother what I wanted to do was to take this pain away from her. I could not, of course, take any of her suffering away from her - it was hers to endure. I was careful not to express any thoughts in that direction. What I knew was that I needed to be still with her and trust. I remember at times when it seemed good to do, doing some of the things that Ayse found so helpful - the distractions, talking to her, finding programs on TV leaving her to her visitors. And then being there, in the morning, after the loneliness and despair of the night.

Daughter continues to have pain from her injuries and will have to endure a number of painful surgeries in the future. She does not have the benefit of meditation and Buddhist teachings to support her but somehow she and those soldiers and many others suffering in many different ways, endure.

I suppose what I am aware of now is the connectedness of the human condition. All we can do is look to our own practice (and what I mean is everything we can do is look to our own practice) - a practise that is for the benefit of all living things.

So thanks Ayse for sharing.