Since reading Chris Y’s comment and Rev Mugo’s response Thoughts on Retirement, thoughts on retirement keep appearing in my mind so I am going to write and see what is there.

I have some experience in gap time. An Illness, plus many years of stress, worsened to the point where I could no longer work. I loved my job and had dedicated a huge amount of energy to it. The shock of all the loss I felt was painful and scary. I went from full-time full-on immersion in the world of employment to being at home 24/7, to not being able to leave the house, and many times not able to leave my bed.

It felt like free falling into an abyss. My feelings were complex and contradictory. I struggled mightily against this fall yet also felt the blessed relief of not having to struggle anymore. My illness took over and, instead of defining myself by my work, I felt like ‘a sick person who was not able to work’. At first I couldn’t think I no longer work therefore what shall I do? , because there was very little I was able to do for many weeks. I found it hard to be still within these conditions. I was properly unseated!

That was 10 years ago and now, looking back, I can see that I had long ignored indicators that were telling me to slow down! But, at the time, I pushed such signs and thoughts away with justifications of ‘I have no choice, I am needed, I can keep this up if I just……’

My long convalescence was a period of learning how to listen, learning how to be within the boredom and the not knowing (who am I? what is my purpose? what shall I/can I do?). For a long time I was "under the influence of the mourning" for my working life and all that being employed brings. It is tough to no longer have that social network, that feeling of usefulness, the purpose (and the salary).

When I forgot to listen, when I allowed myself to follow old habits and behaviours, I was fortunate in that my body very quickly reacted to remind me of what I could and could not do and I had many relapses. I learnt the hard way to adapt to my new circumstances and I began to find solace in the peace and the opportunity to look at myself. Like you said, Rev Mugo, it takes time and patience…….and may I add, trust.

My situation is not unique and I had the good fortune to have a supportive husband and my Buddhist practice. My connection with Rev Mugo deepened during this period and many of our conversations focussed on these struggles and I thank her and Nigel for the love and support they gave me. I have a good life and I feel very lucky. My health is good and my current (part-time) work is sessional and I can drop it if I need to. So I am not entirely retired. Our reduced income has been much easier than I ever anticipated. The pangs of mourning still arise sometimes and I just say ‘hi’ to these feelings and I don’t hang on to them. They are just shadows now. I know that I actually have everything that I need right now, right here. I do tread more lightly; and I am with you, Rev Mugo – I too feel better than I have done when I was 20 years younger! Onward and forward I say!

Being a parent is always hectic; nothing new there. Life has been especially busy recently, with one daughter moving back to live with us temporarily and the other moving into a new house. The distractions/demands come thick and fast and my response to these demands/distractions is something for me to take a closer look at. What is good to do?

I want to be supportive but is it always good to say yes? I know the answer to that one (N0 if you are in any doubt!). But in the moment, when I am caught off guard, when the dynamic pull of parent/child stuff occurs, I find myself saying yes far too often. Old habits die hard and the years of being the single parent who did it all has meant expectations sometimes run high. And, in the not too distant future I am to be a grandparent and with that will come yet more demands/distractions, some of which I happily anticipate, however………….

Last year, in a conversation with Rev Mugo, we talked about this. She gave me a suggestion and since then, when I remember to, I have put her suggestion into practice. The first time I tried the idea it went like this: the phone rings and it is my daughter, wanting something from me. What usually happens, and it happened this time, is that I feel a strong mental pull in a forward direction. This pull feels like I am being sucked forward, both by the words I am hearing and the kicking in of my habitual responses of OK, I am needed again, I am wanted therefore I will. I want to say no but I can’t. But this time I chose to change my perspective. I allowed myself to become aware of the physical space behind me. I immediately felt a loosening, a relaxing of the tension I was feeling. The pull forward stopped and I was able to be still in a way that I haven’t experienced before.

My daughter must have noticed something because she stopped talking and asked me if I was OK. I just said that I was listening to her. But something had happened between us and she and I noticed a difference. Our communication softened. I can’t remember whether I said yes or no to her request; my actual response isn't relevant. What is important is that the experience gave me a sense of how it is possible to be really present by a simple change in my perspective. And in that space I was more able to respond fully.

Since then, when I remember to, I bring my attention to that space that isn’t in front of me. There is also the space that is behind and either side of me. When I am not just focused on forwards I can connect myself to the space I inhabit. I don’t just exist in relation to the pull of pressures, distractions, demands, habits. What a relief!

Following on from my last post the question I have had in my mind has been what stops me from doing what is good to do?

And lo and behold daily life brings me an answer. On Tuesday I facilitated a couple of workshops for parents. We talked about how, quite often, we can focus on housework and chores (in some to the point of being Obsessive/Compulsive)as a way of avoiding trying to resolve difficult relationship problems. One parent spoke about how she polishes the floor until it is spotless because she does not want to address the fact that her son is angry all of the time and won't speak to her.

This level of honesty and willingness to look at the truth was both humbling and encouraging. I wondered what I do as avoidance techniques? Here are some of them: I watch too much TV, I agree to the requests/demands from my family far too readily and I decide too quickly that I am too busy, that I haven't the time or that I really do need to search EBay for that next bargain fabric!

Sharing my practice with the readers of Jade Mountains is something that I want to give a regular commitment to but the doing of it has been a bit of a struggle. I have my well-practiced methods of avoidance and I see them for what they are. I am not sure that searching for the reasons for my reluctance or the source of my difficulty is particularly useful or relevant, however my awareness about what I do means that I want to change and do things differently.

And this is me....... getting on with it!

It has been a while since my last post and awareness of the gap has nudged me to varying degrees; sometimes the nudge has been a gentle one and at other times quite uncomfortable. My critical mind has come into play and I have felt bad at my lack of commitment. I have wriggled around and justified…..I am too busy….. I am tired……..I have more pressing matters to attend to…..I will write something later (and later never actually arrives). At other times I have just sat with feeling uncomfortable because, somehow, it is a state that I am used to.

So this pressure, which has been happening since my last post, has not been sufficient for me to actually open up a word doc on my laptop and start writing. So what has now driven me into taking action? A little bit of gentle pressure from a kind friend.

Don't worry, I am no pushover. When this pressure was being applied I didn’t just cave in and comply. I recognise an attempt to undermine my status quo when I see/hear one. I had an immediate up-rush of resistance to defend my position. If anyone out there understands the term Mardy then I was the embodiment of being in that state. Internally I was stamping my feet, good and proper!

So I took notice of these thoughts and feelings. More accurately, I couldn’t ignore them. What on earth was I resisting, the knowledge that what I was being asked to do is good? How ridiculous! And my friend, the one exerting the gentle, kindly pressure……? I know this person has my best interests at heart.

As someone who works with parents for a living I apply kindly pressure quite regularly as a method of moving someone forward towards their goal. I get feedback from them saying how helpful being kept to account can be. So now, having had the experienced of being pushed myself, I am grateful for the experience (and blimey, for me it’s so much harder being on the receiving end than giving it out!).

So here I am, still sitting with the residue of resistance and mardiness, but glad to be writing something. And maybe…. soon …..you’ll hear from me again.

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”

From Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot

When times are tough, whether it is the fear/anxiety described by Andrew or just tough times, words of wisdom appear. I read the above poem years ago at school and the words actually mean something to me now and are a comfort.

It’s winter, there is a recession; bad news can seem to dominate and this affects my mood and viewpoint. I take refuge; and the words proffered this too will pass had me dissolved in tears of gratitude and relief.

So when times are hard, and they are hard sometimes!....... even though the mind and habits lead me to try and fix the problem I can remind myself that there is no fixing. Embrace everything that comes with compassion and love. And then, there is taking action, doing the next thing, going, going, going on beyond.....to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

Daughter asked me to dog sit today as she was working late. I took the opportunity to use this gorgeous creature as a model for that dog coat I just had to make. She is six months old and, as she is named, completely Dottie!