This morning I had an email from a woman who, for awhile, came to the Priory in Edmonton back in 2006. It was fun to know her. Sometimes we would email back and forth during the day. Quick fire question-and-answer kind of emails. She clearly had an inquiring mind and a deep wish to delve below the surface of life. One subject that would come up was the use of harsh language/cursing since that was on the table, so to speak.

In the email she said, (Here is) A blog entry w/ no cursing: Soon I’m going to try not doing any cursing for a whole week. I think it’ll be quite challenging. ;) I’d be interested in your thoughts (on what I have written).

All my vows so far have had to deal with right speech. I think it’s a good place to start as far as self-improvement goes. Thoughts and speech do affect mood and behavior. And thinking about what comes out of your mouth leads to thinking about what goes into your brain, what you eat, what you surround yourself with, what you’re doing. At least it has for me.

Quoted from 2nd Vow Update, on K’vitsh.

I’m glad to be able to link to this post…and you should know that cursing is included in many of the other posts and comments on the above site. By linking to this particular post I’m sending a message of support. It is no easy matter to clean up ones language and in the process make some major changes generally. (update: slips do happen….)

The matter of making vows and promises has been coming to mind during the day. Of course vow is linked in to ones ongoing wish and intention to keep true to the moral and ethical Buddhist Precepts. Several of those precepts deal with speech; ones (right) relationship with others – and oneself.

I will write more in response to the above and on vow. In the mean time we all know vows don’t last. They need to be renewed. In the monastery we do that formally each morning with a verse. The ending sentence goes: I wish to unfold the Buddhas teaching that I may help all living things.

I know a dad who went to wake his teenage son only to find him dead in his bed. The son had suffered a fatal asthma attack. There was nothing that could be done. We hear of such events and non can know the anguish save those who have known it too.

The innocent questioning of a small boy about why dead people are buried under the ground in a box had his dad pondering…on his owns sons death. O the anguish! See this posting in Views From the Bike Shed blog for an interesting posting and a poem by John Latham who suffered his sons death from an asthma attack.

Thanks to Julius, once again, for this great link to a great post.

The other day I was talking to someone about a difficulty I was experiencing; not a major problem, just something that had cropped up that I wanted to talk through. I had hardly started to describe my issue when up came a suggestion, a piece of advice, from my friend. So why did that make me feel uncomfortable?

The wish to help others is there for many people and as Buddhists we train not just for self, but also for others. I have been involved in the helping side of things for many years. My motivation for this is probably quite complicated and rooted in my past. I have asked myself questions; ‘why do I do this work?’, ‘what are my intentions?’ and also ‘does what I do really help?’ Similar to Andrew, I was also influenced by what other people thought I should be doing. And there was more than that; I had wish for fulfillment, approval and even a distraction from my own need for help. I know from experience that acting on these needs and intentions is stressful, tiring and also it lessens the likelihood that anyone is helped. I am not beating myself up here; I am simply recognising some of what has driven me in a particular direction and then wanting to change.

In my early days of working as a helper I frequently offered solutions, and proffered advice, therefore missing what was actually going on for that person because I wasn’t listening. By rushing to solutions I also made assumptions about thoughts and feelings, most probably wrong ones, again because of not listening.

Listening and the wish to help is a skill that requires awareness, not just of the other person but more especially of the self. Some years ago an excellent teacher described this as getting yourself out of the way. Isn’t this what meditation is all about? Are we not seeking to abandon our opinions and our personal points of view, ourselves?

In giving advice what we risk saying to the person is ‘you do not seem to be able to work this out for yourself’. Everyone has the capacity to learn and change and what really helps is being encouraged to talk, being listened to and trust that something happens when given this space to be with our koan ….. when we do our own practice.