Vulnerable Strength

This morning: The sight of a man pushing a baby buggy at speed along an early morning street. He wore shorts and trainers, it was coming on to rain and the buggy was empty. A burly man more likely to be twinned with a jack hammer, angle grinder. Or machine gun. Than a baby buggy. So delicate. And vulnerable in the hands of one so obviously brawny. Vulnerability coupled with strength, a tension’s there. Then a mental flash of him loosing it and hurling the buggy, thankfully empty, against a wall!

This morning: An interview on Radio 4’s Today program with two chaps. Quite different yet similar experiences following their tours of duty in the army. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A terrible terrible thing. One man climbing out of being declared ‘insane’. Doing well now. The other ignored his wife, wanted to hit her but didn’t. Locked in the hell of undiagnosed PTSD. He didn’t know. Too ashamed to be weak. To seek a way out ’till his wife and friends helped him find it. Talking got him back on track. Doing better now. Both still suffer extreme flash backs. Still.

This morning: Listening to the radio interview and then stepping out of the car. Seeing the buggy pusher on the street followed snap!, snap! fast. O the brutality of what men, and women, go through in war. O how good and civilizing the sight of burly men pushing prams, with big hands.

A thought for those suffering with PTSD. Wars over there and wars closer to home, or in the home. This is a terrible terrible thing this PTSD.

Free To Decide?

Back in 2003 I sat by while the head of our order battled for his life in hospital. Hour by hour, procedure after incredible procedure until he said enough and we took him back to Shasta Abbey. He died hours after getting there. Life and death dramas are being lived and died constantly in all corners and mostly in private. The following quote is from thoughtful article by Christopher Hitchens. In the face of what he is dealing with, terminal cancer, he questions the jolly epithets around death and survival. Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. attributed to Friedrich Nietzsche is one of them.

In the brute physical world, and the one encompassed by medicine, there are all too many things that could kill you, don’t kill you, and then leave you considerably weaker.
From Trial of the Will, Christopher Hitchens. To be published in Vanity Fair magazine.

I’m left wondering what I would decide, should I ever have to, if faced with the sorts of choices the monk mentioned had to. Sick people, terminally ill people, people who are actually needing to make life or death decisions are not in the strongest position to make them. How free would I feel myself to be, in the face of eager medical people, to decline treatment.

Thanks to Tony for sending in the link. Much appreciated.

Birth And Death Should Not Be Avoided

Note: The Shushogi is a relatively modern distillation of the teachings of Zen Master Dogen taken from The Shobogenzo: The Eye and Treasury of the True Law. An epic!

In the Shushogi: What is Truly Meant by Training and Enlightenment, in the very first section titled Introduction: The Reason for Training is this:

The most important question for all Buddhists
Is how to understand birth and death completely
For then, should you be able to find the Buddha within birth and death,
They both vanish.

All you have to do is realise that birth and death, as such, should not be avoided

The Shushogi can be found it its entirety here on the Shasta Abbey website. I love it that what you find there is clearly a scan and I have a copy of the original beside me now.

Later on in this section of the Shushogi is this:

The understanding of the above (teaching) breaks
The chains that bind one to birth and death

Birth and death, the cyclic nature of existence is in Buddhist teaching synonymous with suffering, the first of the Four Noble Truths. Suffering exists. So here in the Shushogi is a teaching about suffering and how to bring that to an end. Don’t avoid it, look it straight in the eye. Further, and a few days ago there was a post titled Where is Home on the subject, there is the cause of suffering which has to be addressed. The Second Noble Truth, The cause of suffering is tanha (thirsting) or craving/desire.

It’s all very well to get ones head around the Buddhas teaching, to understand how it works and how it all fits together. There is for example a good article on Dependent Arising on Buddhanet which is worth reading. At the time of the Buddhas Enlightenment, which we are all celebrating at the moment December 8th being the traditional date for doing that, the Buddha taught both the Four Noble Truths and Dependent Arising. Two ways to point to the same thing, cause and effect. The law of cause and effect.

Yes, it is all very well to understand the Buddhas teaching yet something else again to put it into daily practice. I for one was utterly confused for years trying to get a grip on Buddhism. Buddhist doctrine was always there lurking in the background, in the foreground was…life and life had the loudest voice! And there was definitely no avoiding it! I sloshed between the opposites or extremes. Happy – miserable. You’re right – I’m wrong. I’m good – you BAD! I like – I don’t like. I want – I don’t want. This IS suffering.

So what breaks the chain mentioned in the above quote, or what snaps you out of the extremes? Or at least relieves the confusion. Many moments of insight come to mind. The one that comes rushing up the hill to find me is that basic from meditation instruction. Don’t hang on and don’t push away, ANYTHING. That and the discipline of refraining from labeling experience and thus habitually stamp ones personal meaning on the world. There is no need to do that.

The teaching I have pointed to in this post I hope helps a little with understanding. In Zen we are practice oriented 101%, to the point where practice disappears. By that I mean the self consciousness, the sense of practice being an add-on or something carried about, dissolves into the immediacy of responding to what’s there. Yes the sense of being a self arises during the day for all sorts of reasons (not a problem) and that sense passes, given half a chance.

Lots of tofu and veg to contemplate here!

Stability – Balance

Seems it’s a time when people I know, being in extremity. Being in hospital. Proving that meditation and devotion, to practice, over years and years, under the belt, means stability. Stability at a time when keeping in balance helps on so, very many, levels. Balance is good at any time of the day, or night.

Middle of the night?
Can’t sleep?
Write a poem,
write a song.
Send it on.

Have a good night.
Bows,
Mugo

From an email sent this evening. Having a mobile phone while in hospital is a live-line to the outside world which can be a real uplift. Hospital’s tough at any time of the day, or night.

Where Is Home?

Yesterday I broke a mug by accident while washing it. The handle touched against a tap and click it detached from the body of the mug. Sad thing really. I’d taken to the mug and mostly always used that one. It was a Queens Coronation memorial mug. Pleasing shape and well yes, a tiny bit kitsch and enjoyed in a tongue in cheek kinda way. All the better for the smile. And all former cherished mugs, and their inevitable deaths, ran through my mind as I retrieved the severed part. Now, determined to keep on using it though in the end the lack of handle will mean I won’t.

Years ago in the kitchen at Shasta, and I remember it like yesterday, I said cheerily to one of our European monks Home is where your mug is. Acknowledging the mug culture within the monastery. At community tea we would all collect our respective mugs, fill with a hot beverage and sip and talk and enjoy. (note: I was in the US and they say beverage. I never use the term normally) Anyway the monk, puzzled, asked What is this mug-is? Well he might ask! Mug-is is as close as one gets to home while living communally. At least true in the early years of monastic training.

Attachments and the cutting of attachments is a much misunderstood teaching in Buddhism. As is the sister or twin of attachment, craving. Pali Tanha – which translates as thirst. If I really thought my home, being comfort and security, resided in my current pet mug I’d be in serious trouble spiritually. And yet, and yet the passing away of the Queen mug is not nothing. There is loss. There is feeling just as when anything or anybody we are attached to, goes away. Effectively dies. So what are we actually saying when we talk about cutting attachments, or that maddening phrase let go! Well, here is good article from BuddhaNet Three Kinds of Desire (thirsting) which certainly sheds light on the breadth of the term tanha. And in the closing paragraph of the above mentioned article comes this:

But we need not continue to suffer. We are not just hopeless victims of desire. We can allow desire to be the way it is and so begin to let go of it. Desire has power over us and deludes us only as long as we grasp it, believe in it and react to it.

This is a subject well worth looking into some more and in the mean time I’ll fill up my metal thermal mug with a hot drink! What on earth I’ll do with myself when that goes west/gets lost I don’t know. It has traveled with me, world wide, for well over a year.