Yesterday morning somebody asked about self-confidence; ‘Where does it come from’? ‘Why does it go’? ‘How can it be cultivated’? I can’t remember exactly what the question was but whatever it was I thought about an answer for a good part of the rest of the morning. That’s between breakfast, the business meeting, community tea followed by a support call on WhatsApp. And a couple of phone calls during the call! ‘It’s the 4th you know. Have you done your laundry yet’? Since writing the post about how my day goes I realize my days are fairly fast-paced and full-on. Today was no exception. This pm, I made a batch of Crabapple Jelly (apples from a tree on the property), a wall painted (in the Guest Department), and saw through two loads of laundry. Late in the afternoon, I dozed off while watching an online talk! Happens to the best of us.

If I look into my day from the outside I look busy but I tend to regard ‘being busy’ as a state of mind. As for you so for me, the biggest burden we carry is what we carry in our minds. And as mention in another post, it is not so easy to just let that burden go. There are skillful ways to address the burden. Or carrying a burden, of any sort.

Thinking of burdens brings me to the question of self-confidence, posed earlier. One can be lacking in confidence around a specific task, for example driving an unfamiliar car, having to make a (non-lumpy) white sauce for 25 people! Or whatever the trial of the day might be. However, there is a more global feeling/attitude around confidence, which if adopted can over time become a self imposed personality trait, or a way of thinking about oneself – an identity. ‘I’m not a confident person, I lack self-confidence’. We know it surely? A life changing event happens, getting the sack, the break up of a relationship. Lockdown is a classic example. Our usual routine of work and seeing people is interrupted, there is uncertainty around the future, and slowly and out of conscious awareness, the bottom falls out of the confidence bucket! I noticed that in myself, in a mild form, as lockdown dragged on back in May/June.

Clearly lack of personal confidence for some people can develope into a mental health issue. If one is able to is important to tackle this issue before one can’t, not without help anyway. My initial thinking is that confidence is allied with faith. Nobody feels they are imbued with bundles of faith and THAT can be a burden to carry, ‘Oh, I am lacking in faith‘. But faith in a deeply religious sense is not personal, not something you have or don’t have more that faith is the background to our daily functioning. One IS faith, unknowingly

Incidentally one doesn’t need to FEEL confident to BE confident! I can attest to that. Our internal ‘weather’ changes fast and frequently. Let it! I have confidence in that fact.

As I pause now
reflecting
I’m drawn to say lots.

But, or however
it is probably better
to refrain.

Enough to say
or sing
BLAZE UP!

See recent post Without Edges – Refuge for information, inspiration and to re find your feet. If you need to.

Thanks to Miles Thurlow for the photograph. Thanks for being possibly one of the longest-serving readers.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember just what happened in the hours since rising from my bed, at 5.30 am this morning. In many ways a momentous day. Here’s how it went, in brief:-

Meditation, walking meditation, meditation, precenting morning service (decide to sing names of ancestors as if I loved each one of them), apron on, speed around the kitchen until lunch with a break for community tea (convoluted conversation but can’t remember what about). Tofu Pot Pie, rice salad, greens, yogurt, and Crabapple Puree (relieved that pie cooked in time, sad I forgot to include Marmite – few noticed)!

Walk on bottom road, sun out, high wind, take in the landscape (remember the moonlit walk a few nights ago). 2.00 pm (realize been up and active for over 8 hours). Rest.  Tea. An hour and a half Skype support call (once again amazed at how resilient the human spirit is in the face of early adversity). Missed Medicine Meal, rescue some soup from the kitchen, made some white toast. Eat in my room.

Coming up to 7.00 pm. Catch the start of the announcement of lockdown starting midnight Thursday (all very grave and history-making). (much quipping on-line about the delay in the announcement, originally scheduled for 5.00 pm. ‘They know Strictly Come Dancing starts at 7.10’, right?) (Love British humour.)

Meditation. (moon full, cold on face, wind assaulting trees in the paddock, what a racket!). Shower, put out clean clothes (prep for Founders Day tomorrow). Offer incense for a couple (tonight is their last night in their now sold house. They move to Belgium on Tuesday, to live on a boat. (I am beyond words at what they are doing – respect).

My mind goes big; reflecting on lives and the impact of what’s ahead for humanity (wonder if my routine eye check-up will be canceled, again). Find myself especially grateful for running hot water, (so much to be grateful for.)

Humanity? Must remember to sing each name as if I loved each one. Goodnight Jade readers, time to turn in. Be safe, be well.

I have grown fond of our tent on the lawn but it’s time to pack up for the Winter. It has weathered storm force winds and heavy rains and for the most part, survived.

On a personal note: In the past few days I have been having difficulties with ‘tabs’ crashing in the Firefox browser, others might be having a similar problem. If I remember correctly one of my first emails calling for help was headed, ‘Having Horrible Trouble!’ As tension mounted over the hours and then days I found myself ‘beside myself’ with emotion(s). Then finally, not knowing what to do with ‘myself, and the computer, I took off in the dark for a walk late into the evening.

It had been raining during the day and the road was wet, glistening in the light of my head torch. The still darkness of the night, and the moon darting in and out from behind the clouds gradually took my attention away from the matter at hand generally. Input from outside oneself really helps with runaway thoughts. Mercifully. Not that my mind had stopped completely, not stopped planning what I’d do with the computer when I got back! Oh no!

I’d pack it up and park it out of my sight, sell it and buy a new one, borrow another one, send it to the menders in town (not a viable option). On and on completely irrationally. Anybody recognize this kind of over-the-top thinking? Which at one level you know is silly, but near impossible to stop. Emotions and the thoughts that accompany them get stronger, with exercise

However by this time the outside world was having a big impact on me, through my senses; the moon had escaped the clouds, my shadow reached out before me as I walked, the lights across the valley shone like stars. Oh errr! That’s cattle where they shouldn’t be! Then turning around, the moon was so bright, my head torch no longer needed to light my way. The road fully illuminated by the moon, stretched out before me like a silver ribbon. Magic. And then the emotion changed, dramatically.

Daddy! Daddy
I called,
Daddy, Daddy, DADDY,
I called even louder.

‘Walk with me’
You loved to walk
at night by the
light of the moon.

We walked
we talked
by the light
of the moon.

Gosh, I thought
‘You’d have been
one hundred
this year.’

So there you have it. When in extremity who are you going to call on, Kanzeon, the Buddha, anybody, everybody? No, you call on whoever or whatever comes at that moment when your mouth opens. Not that I believe good ol’ pop was leaning down and holding my hand as he would do when I was a child, when we walked in the snow or rain. Or by the light of the moon. Calling for help literally or figuratively can take oneself out of oneself, just as long as one doesn’t insist that help comes.

Back in my room I packed up my computer in its case ready to do something with it in the morning. Then an email popped up on my tablet. ‘Bring the computer over if you want.’ Next morning I did just that.

Going to bed grateful just has to be the best thing.