On a personal note: In the past few days I have been having difficulties with ‘tabs’ crashing in the Firefox browser, others might be having a similar problem. If I remember correctly one of my first emails calling for help was headed, ‘Having Horrible Trouble!’ As tension mounted over the hours and then days I found myself ‘beside myself’ with emotion(s). Then finally, not knowing what to do with ‘myself, and the computer, I took off in the dark for a walk late into the evening.
It had been raining during the day and the road was wet, glistening in the light of my head torch. The still darkness of the night, and the moon darting in and out from behind the clouds gradually took my attention away from the matter at hand generally. Input from outside oneself really helps with runaway thoughts. Mercifully. Not that my mind had stopped completely, not stopped planning what I’d do with the computer when I got back! Oh no!
I’d pack it up and park it out of my sight, sell it and buy a new one, borrow another one, send it to the menders in town (not a viable option). On and on completely irrationally. Anybody recognize this kind of over-the-top thinking? Which at one level you know is silly, but near impossible to stop. Emotions and the thoughts that accompany them get stronger, with exercise
However by this time the outside world was having a big impact on me, through my senses; the moon had escaped the clouds, my shadow reached out before me as I walked, the lights across the valley shone like stars. Oh errr! That’s cattle where they shouldn’t be! Then turning around, the moon was so bright, my head torch no longer needed to light my way. The road fully illuminated by the moon, stretched out before me like a silver ribbon. Magic. And then the emotion changed, dramatically.
Daddy, Daddy, DADDY,
I called even louder.
‘Walk with me’
You loved to walk
at night by the
light of the moon.
by the light
of the moon.
Gosh, I thought
‘You’d have been
So there you have it. When in extremity who are you going to call on, Kanzeon, the Buddha, anybody, everybody? No, you call on whoever or whatever comes at that moment when your mouth opens. Not that I believe good ol’ pop was leaning down and holding my hand as he would do when I was a child, when we walked in the snow or rain. Or by the light of the moon. Calling for help literally or figuratively can take oneself out of oneself, just as long as one doesn’t insist that help comes.
Back in my room I packed up my computer in its case ready to do something with it in the morning. Then an email popped up on my tablet. ‘Bring the computer over if you want.’ Next morning I did just that.
Going to bed grateful just has to be the best thing.