Going to Bed Grateful

On a personal note: In the past few days I have been having difficulties with ‘tabs’ crashing in the Firefox browser, others might be having a similar problem. If I remember correctly one of my first emails calling for help was headed, ‘Having Horrible Trouble!’ As tension mounted over the hours and then days I found myself ‘beside myself’ with emotion(s). Then finally, not knowing what to do with ‘myself, and the computer, I took off in the dark for a walk late into the evening.

It had been raining during the day and the road was wet, glistening in the light of my head torch. The still darkness of the night, and the moon darting in and out from behind the clouds gradually took my attention away from the matter at hand generally. Input from outside oneself really helps with runaway thoughts. Mercifully. Not that my mind had stopped completely, not stopped planning what I’d do with the computer when I got back! Oh no!

I’d pack it up and park it out of my sight, sell it and buy a new one, borrow another one, send it to the menders in town (not a viable option). On and on completely irrationally. Anybody recognize this kind of over-the-top thinking? Which at one level you know is silly, but near impossible to stop. Emotions and the thoughts that accompany them get stronger, with exercise

However by this time the outside world was having a big impact on me, through my senses; the moon had escaped the clouds, my shadow reached out before me as I walked, the lights across the valley shone like stars. Oh errr! That’s cattle where they shouldn’t be! Then turning around, the moon was so bright, my head torch no longer needed to light my way. The road fully illuminated by the moon, stretched out before me like a silver ribbon. Magic. And then the emotion changed, dramatically.

Daddy! Daddy
I called,
Daddy, Daddy, DADDY,
I called even louder.

‘Walk with me’
You loved to walk
at night by the
light of the moon.

We walked
we talked
by the light
of the moon.

Gosh, I thought
‘You’d have been
one hundred
this year.’

So there you have it. When in extremity who are you going to call on, Kanzeon, the Buddha, anybody, everybody? No, you call on whoever or whatever comes at that moment when your mouth opens. Not that I believe good ol’ pop was leaning down and holding my hand as he would do when I was a child, when we walked in the snow or rain. Or by the light of the moon. Calling for help literally or figuratively can take oneself out of oneself, just as long as one doesn’t insist that help comes.

Back in my room I packed up my computer in its case ready to do something with it in the morning. Then an email popped up on my tablet. ‘Bring the computer over if you want.’ Next morning I did just that.

Going to bed grateful just has to be the best thing.

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4 thoughts on “Going to Bed Grateful”

  1. Oh yes, I can relate to this. I have had no end of trouble with wifi in rural France. In the last 4 months I haven’t been able to call out on the phone so I used my mobile as trying to understand the french from the call centre in Mauritious was not possible. Then over the last few days my mobile won’t work either. ( Luckily the wifi signal has improved recently.) When my mobile ceased I wanted to smash it so badly! It seemed so unfair when I am trying to move house and I cried, just a little for a few seconds and said to no-one in particular, “…but WHY? Just WHY?” Then my cat jumped on my knee and purred and everything was ok, funny in fact, so I laughed.

  2. Read your post as I finished the last bits of dessert from our Segaki altar The gakis were happy to share; we threw the windows open wide for them and chanted along with the Shasta audio to the park behind the house, and only the gakis, squirrels, rabbits, chipmunks and birds heard. Coincidentally, I called out, ‘Mommy’ today, which I sometimes do when struck by a memory of something I said that now embarrasses me. It’s like I want her to come erase that thing I said. I’ve decided, though, that when I call to her to fix something, I’m actually crying out to Kanzeon to help me be more true to myself when I speak. All in all, it was a lovely day, doing Segaki ‘at’ Shasta (but really via Zoom). So great seeing monk friends from many years ago, and meeting new ones, meeting new lay friends. Such inspiration all around. Thanks for your posts, which also inspire!

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