The following was originally submitted as a comment to the posting Pre Retreat Fears.
I applaud your candor and would offer this thought: when an obstacle like this arises in one’s practice it is easy to think that something is wrong, or that we are somehow failing. After years of practice I find that aversion and resistance still arise in my thoughts and attitudes. Meditation practice “invites” stuff like this to arise, and its appearance is quite natural and nothing to be alarmed about.
Please don’t despise the part of you that is holding back. It takes a while to find the right balance of patience, gentleness with yourself and firmness. There will always be the selfish aspect of ourselves that we must train with. One day you may come to see it as a grumpy “old friend” who has come round again. With gentle persistence you will be able to coax that old friend into putting up with a bit of inconvenience for the sake of discovering something new.
I wish you the best.
I’ve published this comment because I know the author and can vouch for his practice. As a general rule I don’t publish unsolicited teaching and advice.