Oliver Sacks said this about his writing:

…for the most part, I rarely look at the journals I have kept for the greater part of a lifetime. The act of writing is itself enough; it serves to clarify my thoughts and feelings. The act of writing is an integral part of my mental life; ideas emerge, are shaped, in the act of writing.

Well, that quote struck a chord, I often find myself surprised at how a blog post ends up talking about something, a point, I’d not thought of when I started. Thinking my thoughts onto ‘paper’ really does help draw out ideas I’d not thought of before! In this process, I concern myself about ‘rambling’, shifting this way and that as I’m thinking through something. Perhaps that’s a speech habit too! Sometimes rambling is just fine however at other times, and especially if I’m trying to ‘make a point’ the whole piece becomes stilted. Words do not flow on reading them back.

Sacks was an avid journal writer. He always had paper and pen with him and would stop and write whenever a thought worth noting came to him. There are photographs of him doing just this, outside a train station, resting paper on top of his stationary car. He even had paper beside him at the swimming pool, apparently! This is what he is quoted as saying about his journalling…

My journals are not written for others, nor do I usually look at them myself, but they are a special, indispensable form of talking to myself.

I find it quite absorbing to look into a writer’s ‘process’ such as Sacks and others. It’s an intimate look, through the window of their words, into their minds. Not spying, more appreciating their allowing themselves to be so vulnerable. Writing a journal is a kind of waystation; a silent talking to oneself.

In the midst of the hustle-bustle of loading up the dishwasher this lunchtime ‘clean up’ a monk approached and stood close. In a low voice and somewhat conspiratorially he said, ‘There is a rare opportunity at the back of the kitchen to acquire a banana box WITH lid‘. (empty of course) ‘Oh thanks‘, I replyed knowing I’d got my full complement already. The other day I’d pasted on some wallpaper to the front of them a long overdue, about two years overdue, project to upgrade these wonderful under-bed storage boxes.

The exchange made me smile. A rare opportunity? – to buy a Picasso at a knock-down price? To take ownership of a vintage car or a Spaniel up for adoption! It highlighted where the value lies and here in the monastery (and elsewhere too I’d imagine) it’s about ‘use’ and seeming rubbish can be pressed into service.

When helping an elderly woman to move, now deceased, I came across empty plastic contains and similar and knew well enough her generations  ‘make do’ ethos which made it unthinkable to throw such items away. I didn’t even ask, they moved with her where they would, of course, ‘come in handy!

Why buy storage when we already have to hand, perfectly good storage? Now I look to the left and right of my screen to my desk and see containers once full of mushrooms now containing; scrap paper, headphones, sewing kit, diary/pens/intercom list/reading glasses, a container with office stuff – stapler, elastic bands, paper clips, memory sticks, white-out, extra pens, and blue tack. Treasure!

Today’s exchange provided a rare opportunity to applaud the useless throw-away materials now in service. But perhaps this is really applauding/appreciating community life; looking out for each other, sharing what’s important, knowing/living what’s truly important. Compassion, understanding –  taking form.

As here so hopefully where you are. Different form, same life.

Nothing can stop
shoots, buds, flowers
not even the
sodden clay

laws organic,
just ARE
then laws inorganic
the weather – (unpredictable).

Then there is us
together we
burst out of
sodden clay.

Spring forces
us forward
and upwards
expanding outwards.

We are not plants
though share
their life
force.

Yes, we are in a strange place, if one could call it that. Spring this year has been an on-and-off kind of time here in Britain. That coupled with the on/off of our national lockdown with promises for future freedoms while at the same time, lurking in the background the possibility of plans and hopes being dashed to the ground. The organic laws just – MUST have their way and we have to act in response. Plans, hopes and even dreams can be dashed. It has happened before.

Live now, live fully now it’s said, the pay later often lost in the stampede to the seaside (or similar). With the upthrust of spring energies organic and inorganic, it feels to me like there is an unstoppable force at large that can and does overtake good sense and the need for self-restraint. Wise discernment is out-the-window! OK, what exactly IS living now? Fully.

Our plant selves, should we notice, has us emerging, blinking into the sun’s rays; flowering, expanding outwards into a wider world. Our bigger personhood made manifest. My goodness that spring energy within and around us, I swear, has even our toenails grow, shockingly, faster!

The ability to reflect upon ourselves; our behaviors of speech, of body, and of mind – our conscious selves has an inbuilt inhibitory factor. Thank goodness! One might say our reflective nature is at the heart of living fully, as a human being, being human. And keeps us out of trouble, Preceptually, and with the law!

Stay safe out there in the Garden of the Bodhisattvas.

Firstly thank you SO MUCH to those of you who responded to my request to confirm receipt of notification emails. I have kept true to my promise and not published them (33 and counting) even though there were several with content I’d have wished to publish. PLEASE do leave comments when you are moved to do so, I’d like to say I’ll respond to those longer comments, however…I may not be able to do that. Apart from anything else I find comments, even short ones, both personally encouraging to ‘keep posting’ and the insights are often inspiring and stimulate my fingers to type! Here is a question that came in via a comment which I thought might be a common issue especially for those who find themselves home alone for days on end. Many thanks for asking this question, dear reader.

Recently I’ve been aware of ‘talking to myself’ and wanting to stop it! Is this the same as deliberate thought do you think? (Mostly we think in words, so I imagine it is.) I’ve got a few ideas as to how to drop it but wonder if you have too.

This is interesting. I’ve noticed that when I am writing here I’m ‘speaking’, sub-audibly, what I am writing. It’s possible to not do that but it takes a conscious and deliberate effort to refrain. And even with that, I have to keep on renewing the resolve to refrain but having spotted what I’m doing is three-quarters of the ‘battle’ done. This is of course deliberate thought, one step away from actual vocalizing. This renewal of one’s attention (and basic intention) and deciding for oneself is about par for Buddhist training I’d have thought. Our brains, and the rest of us, are so amazing are they not?

We instruct that while sitting in formal meditation we deliberately decide to refrain from deliberate thinking and allow the brain to do what brains do. That’s to ‘secrete thoughts’, the flow of thoughts which simply seem to just come along unbidden. The very same thoughts that most people feel are a problem and need to get rid of them, in order to meditate properly! It takes more time, over time, on the cushion than one might imagine realizing that 1) it’s not possible to get rid, 2) that we are wired emotionally and practically to circumstances that stimulate thinking, deliberate and nondeliberate. This will include going back into the far distant past, formal meditation gives us the space to reflect on the past, see it, love it and move on. And there will be more realizations along the way. Which brings one to ACCEPTANCE. Brains are wired to secrete thoughts. Perhaps the biggest and most long-lasting insight is ‘I am not my thoughts! and along with that ‘Don’t believe everything you think’…is true I’d add.

So to answer the question. As in meditation so in daily life. There will be a flow of thoughts, often there meeting circumstances. When deliberate thought is needed, think deliberately and give yourself mental space to do a proper job rather than turn the need into worry. That happens quite frequently. And when you notice that deliberate thought, including deliberate visual imaging (dreams and fantasies we call that) take you over then…move on, let go, switch your attention. All fairly simple when moving about in daily life. Above all, drop ones self-critical thoughts, self-condemnation etc. etc. Then have a private smile to yourself ‘isn’t this just like humans’ and move on to the next most important thing. That could be actually giving yourself time to deliberately think about something or do something practical. For example, pay attention to what you are doing – walking, driving, washing up, sitting watching TV, working on the computer. Gradually, one’s brain will become less hungry for words/thoughts. This comes about as the unconscious habit of filling one’s mind with thoughts, lessens. I remember thinking one day when out walking in Wales, ‘Oh, so there is life without (constant) thoughts’! Thoughts come fewer and further apart but not a state to achieve.

Talking to oneself, you could say, is helpful since audio input gets one’s attention. I have intermittent Tinnitus in one ear. My friend the Cricket (that’s the sound I get) reminds me to allow sound to inter me. That then broadens to the ‘soundscape’ in the larger space I am in. Right now I hear my Cricket which then has me hear the tap-tap of the keyboard, a door closing. Uh! I am still vocalizing in my head as the words appear on the screen. Perhaps this is just how it is.

Brains are just remarkable.